Je has started hundreds of tricky conversations. As a Lines for Life volunteer, she answers calls from people looking for a way through anxiety, stress, loneliness, substance abuse, and thoughts of suicide.
During her weekly volunteer shifts, Je listens, validates, and supports callers through challenging and sometimes dark times.
“One caller had a bad day,” Je recalled. “Just constant conflict. Feeling like nobody cares – nobody’s listening. It becomes like a pressure cooker. All the little annoyances start to add up and there’s no outlet – there’s no release.”
Je helped the caller talk through what they had been experiencing. Giving the caller all the time they needed, Je kept asking questions to uncover what was really going on and validate what the caller was feeling and going through.
“It led to this self-reflective moment that seemed impossible at the beginning of the call. And it reminded me that a lot of times the underlying issue is this feeling of not being taken seriously, not being respected, not being listened to.”
We All Need to Feel Seen and Heard
How long has it been since you felt truly heard?
We all go through ups and downs. Our joys feel even more joyful when we have someone to share them with. And our lows feel even lower when we feel alone or isolated.
Yet even when we have people we trust, we don’t always feel like we can talk about what we’re going through. We often convince ourselves that it’s better to carry our burdens alone or in silence than risk burdening someone else with the load.
When we go without support for too long – when we feel like nobody is there for us – our mental wellness can suffer and we run the risk of a mental health crisis.
Je sees this happen with callers she supports on the lines. “Often people feel like when they say something to someone, the person’s going to get mad or scared,” Je observed. “So they bottle it up. But processing emotions is an important part of releasing them. If you’re keeping it inside, not telling anybody, then it can lead to crisis.”
Even just one conversation with someone who listens without judgment can often help heavy thoughts feel lighter. “Don’t suffer in silence,” Je advises. “Talk to your friends or family. Talk to the people you love. You would be surprised by how much people might relate to what you’re feeling. You’re not alone.”
If you’re experiencing a mental health emergency and need immediate support, dial 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at any time, 24/7.
Anyone Can Start a Conversation
Are you worried about someone in your life?
If you’re worried that someone in your life is going through something alone, starting a conversation is one of the most important steps you can take to care for them.
When you start a conversation, you open the door for that person to feel seen and heard. And you create space to identify and connect with resources when more support is needed.
Starting a conversation with someone you’re concerned about can look a lot like other conversations. You can start by asking “How are you really?” or sharing how you’ve been feeling lately.
Je’s 5 Ways to Start Talking About Difficult Topics
Through her experience as a Lines for Life volunteer, Je has learned valuable lessons for how to prepare for and navigate deeper conversations.
- Start with today. When she doesn’t know how to start a conversation, Je focuses on the present moment. It may take multiple conversations, but even lighter questions can open space to talk about deeper topics.
Je advises, “Start with ‘What’s going on for you today?’ If they mention school, ask ‘How was school?’ Then dig deeper. If they mention their job, ask ‘How’s work?’ Go at the pace of the person you’re talking to.”
- Stay focused on the outcome. Openly acknowledge what you’re observing in the person you’re concerned about. By not shying away from difficult topics, you can create space for someone in crisis to feel safe sharing what they’re going through.
Je advises: “If you’ve noticed somebody seems down, acknowledge that and offer support. For example, you might say, ‘I’ve noticed that you seem really down. Is there any way I can support you?’”
- Listen without judgment. One of the most valuable gifts you can give to someone who is struggling is listening without jumping to judgment.
Je advises: “If you want to reassure someone that you’re here to listen and not judge, say things like ‘I actually do want to know what’s going on.’ Or ‘I do care and you can confide in me.’ Or ‘You don’t have to be afraid of being a burden or saying something weird.’”
- Don’t jump to “fixing” things. We often feel compelled to do more and push for solutions when someone we know is hurting or needs support.
Je advises: “I used to talk to my friends and family, and if there was an issue, I would dive immediately into problem-solving and giving suggestions. But that’s not helpful. It’s better to listen to people and reflect back what they’re saying. Once they hear you reflect back their emotional state, people can come to their own conclusions and solutions.”
- Be flexible. Sometimes when someone needs support or is in a dark place, we want to help but we’re just not sure what to say. Not knowing is okay.
Whatever you can do to start a conversation and listen is enough. “This is about trying to find ways to break the crisis cycle and put in systems of support that can get people out of crisis,” Je said. “It’s about getting people to think about how they can recover their mental health.”
There’s one more word of advice from Je. Starting and holding space for deeper conversations can be tiring. It’s important to give yourself space to rest and recover afterward.
“Like most things that are hard work, deeper conversations can be satisfying,” Je said. “When you come out of a situation where you worked hard, celebrate your hard work, take a break, and regroup.”
Take Action
Anyone can start a conversation that supports someone who may be in crisis or thinking about suicide. If you’re concerned about a friend or loved one:
- Get more tips for starting a conversation
- Call our helplines to be supported while you prepare for a deeper conversation
- Connect your friend or loved one to a helpline
About Je
Je Amaechi is a Community Organizer for Unite Oregon and has been volunteering at Lines for Life for almost two years. Je’s long career at Unite Oregon included passing and implementing legislation that would expand addiction services and social supports in Oregon. After dedicating her professional energy to increasing access to treatment services, Je wanted to be closer to people using the services she advocated to create. So she became a volunteer at Lines for Life.
